theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
