dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
