good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
