It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
