The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
