I think im going to throw up on grandma
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
