I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
