I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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