I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize