Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
