I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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