My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
