I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
