My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
