At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
