somebody snuck up and got me drunk
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
