I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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