why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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