Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
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And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
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I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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