he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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