I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
