I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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