I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
