so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
