and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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