I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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