the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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