Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
