Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
