Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
