did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
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