Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
