So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
