We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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