So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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