I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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