Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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