you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
