I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
