If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
