I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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