I want to have your abortion
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
