he puts the penis in happiness.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
