So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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