I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
