Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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