stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
