she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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