My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
