I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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