I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
