Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
