8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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