So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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