better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
