I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
