I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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