i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
