I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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