Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
