My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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