i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
