Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
