My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
