He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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