I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You brought string cheese to the strip club
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
