So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
