I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
