I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
