yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
