Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
